Many times, I speak to women who have been in unhappy relationships for too long or had a history of being with jerky men. Here’s the common thread I find when I ask them questions and hear their stories: The man was interested so they agreed to go along. They believed he was everything they could have. They didn’t want him to hurt their feelings.
They share a common trait: they lack self-reflection. They didn’t pay any attention to their needs or desires for months, if not years. They bring a lot to the table.
Tania, one of my coaching clients is a great example. Tania, 56, is beautiful, successful, kind, and charming. She was impulsive and jumped into a relationship quickly with a controlling man. It lasted for 2 years. It lasted for 2 years before she finally got the courage to end it.trial separation boundaries
Tania is looking for a man she can love and a good relationship. It was not surprising that she didn’t know what her ideal partner is, how she would find it and what she wanted. It’s almost like she’s playing a game of board with a large You Win! There’s a box at the end…but she doesn’t know how to get there.
This is what we do in my 6-step Find Hope and Find Him Program. We set the rules. My third step is “If You’re So Fabulous, What’s the Damn problem?” This step identifies what is holding you back, the patterns that need to be broken, and what you can do to overcome your obstacles.
Next, we will take what you have learned and make your ground rules. Here’s the key part: These rules are not for him, girlfriend. They are for you.
You can set yourself up for success in dating by building a foundation that will help you win. You can box with grace, dignity, and a man who is a good match for you.
I can bring this home best by showing you examples of Tania’s rules.
* I will take my time to get to know a man. I won’t allow him to pressure me into a relationship or force me to be sexual.
* I will listen to my date and ask questions, comment on his conversations, and not be afraid of asking. I will share my thoughts and interests (within reason).
* I won’t allow men to be harsh towards me or judge me, and I will call him out on it.
* If he doesn’t agree with me, I won’t retract from my shell. I won’t go along just to get along. I will not disagree with you, but I will not be silent.
* I will consider whether I like him, and then use that to decide if I want to go back to him. I won’t be focusing solely on whether he likes or not and worrying about his breakup with me.
* I won’t be afraid of disagreements, or feel threatened by his idea that I won’t like him if I don’t do what he tells me or disagree with him.
* I won’t be afraid if it doesn’t work out and I will let it go if it isn’t working for me.